One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
