Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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