checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
