we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Drunk is a universal language darling
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
