i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
