One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
