we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
