I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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