i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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