I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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