I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize