I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
