I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
