GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
