How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
