First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
