Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
