420 ftw
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
