Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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