i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so let's talk penis.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
