good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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