You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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