all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
just tell him i said nine months
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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