mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
