I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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