Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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