my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
