im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I FOUND THE LEGS
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
