And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
