Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
