he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize