I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
