I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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