if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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