ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I lost the right to judge tonight
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
