I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
