I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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