haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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