Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
