It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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