i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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