Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
