You're completely useless in the revolution.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
