Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
