I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
