Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
