Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
