you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.