I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
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even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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