it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
