like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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