drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
