I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
