His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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