You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
