I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
