if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
