Sry I called you an 8
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
